Out of Control


Too many chores.

Too little time.

These seem to be the handy alibi. Those on the other side of the fence would say without a blink: try time management.

I have caught the same flu, too. I’ve got courseworks. Graduate classes occur once a week. Saturday is the day for submitting all such paperworks. Add to that, there are the usual scheduled activities to prepare for.

But why despite these arrangements do I lose control? Of course, too many variables exist at the same time continuum, that it would be pure folly to assert only one variable, one reason, one culprit. On the other hand, we can’t just leave it at that.

Hence, I sought to review the series of events that occurred. I wish to pin down my suspect.

And truth be told, I found it.

Make-believe

I found the culprit in my daily habit of make-believe. When I’m into these bustling chores, this list of to-do’s (with a lot still unchecked), the revelation explicitly laid itself in front of me. There were these cues, both subtle and evident, that pointed to one unsavoury possibility: I’m not gonna make it.

Still, just like a stubborn child, I refuse to see it as it is. Instead, I continued to prod along and do things under the same pace. Through make-believe, no sense of urgency can rob me of my present moment’s pearls. These are here and now; why worry when the bridge ain’t showing itself in full view?

Am I wrong?

Frankly, it’s hard to tell. There are moments when a kind of ‘timing’ precedes and it becomes acceptable to fail making it on time. Perhaps, it is time to let go of the same old belief: despite our watches and calendar, time is not ours to always hold.

It will always free itself from our grasp. It doesn’t listen, it never does. It allows us to hold it for awhile, only to slip undetected. Perhaps, it’s its nature. My part, I suppose, consists of… the “trying.” I will have to always attempt to make it on time and as best as I could.

A lame excuse, but a better alternative to hour-chasing!

**

First published at Medium.com

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